This is a history of our relationship that we didn’t intend to write, one that runs parallel to the one authored by his uncontainable illness. Me: yes more den anythin Clark: I see well, I’d say we have a problem because I love you your love might clash with my love, resulting into a shitstorm of unicorns, babies, puppy dogs, and couples ice skating it could get ugly Me: hahahahahahahhaha and tandem bikes I remember the pharmaceutical names of his medications—amitryptyline, Zoloft, methadone. It was winter 2008 and Clark was taking part in a trial, his second, at the National Institutes of Health.
It’s only thanks to my archive of our Gchat conversations—me from my work computer, he from our apartment’s couch or his hospital bed—that I remember that we called gabapentin his “Guptas.” They were brown, like the skin of Dr. The Dilaudid pills he took for breakthrough pain were “hydros,” a nickname for the drug listed on the label, hydromorphone hydrochloride. Clark: man, my left leg is useless I really hope this chemo helps I can barely use it anymore Me: i know it will work. see you in like 45 minutes snoopy Clark: cause i can’t seem to think of when I can get a nap in BEFORE practice cause when you get home I just want to hang with you Me: yes, take a nap! It involved a drug called high-dose IL-2, which stimulates white blood cells to grow and divide in an attempt to overtake the cancer.
Without even thinking about it, I’d roll my jeans halfway up my calves and get into the bathtub to pull him up.
i was reading testimonies of people who have been cured by the treatment, this was a few months ago, and the one guy wrote that absolutely nothing compares to IL2. Clark: i can’t stop crying its hard to read the computer i’m so happy Me: yes baby Clark: :-D we are going to do it baby Me: i’m so happy too i know we are Chemotherapy was our last-ditch effort to beat back the cancer. If all went according to plan, the chemo would shrink his tumors to manageable levels, and we’d return to the NIH to participate in a different clinical trial, the one with the best success rate.
Clark: I would go to my mothers chill there u can start having a life again Me: baby, my life is being with you and fighting this cancer that’s what it is i do not resent you, and i never will| i love you and we’re in this together After three weeks of chemo, it was clear we were losing. Clark: email coming um, the message said that she understands our concerns and thinks they are still able to provide us the original treatment and just wanted to talk to us more about it Me: WHAT! on Tuesday Me: oh my god Me: got her email oh my god they’re going to do it Clark: whenever Kitano does something totally rad i play that “Are you ready for the sex girls” song from Revenge of the Nerds in my head Me: HAHAHAHAHA tell her that.
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My eyes sting as I read a newspaper article describing the latest study to come out of a cancer conference, which involves a drug trial that Clark was too sick to participate in.